new chapter in my life.
feels good. :) <3
new chapter in my life.
feels good. :) <3
Phillip Wang, “Strangers, Again”
- You will fall in love with someone who annoys you, whose orgasm face looks and feels pathetic. Despite all of this, there’s something keeping you drawn to them, something that makes you want to protect them from the harsh world. What you fail to realize, however, is that you are the harsh world. You aren’t their noble protector — you are someone to be protected from but it takes a lot of dates, a lot of nights where you question whether or not you are actually a good person, for this to ever resonate with you. When it’s over and whatever love is left is put back in the fridge like a sad plate of leftovers, you will finally understand that you have the power to hurt someone. You can either hurt them or love them and it’s up to you to decide what kind of role you would like to take on in future relationships. What feels more comfortable — being the one who loves more or being the one who’s loved less?
-You will fall in love with someone who’s cold and always seemingly pushing you away. When all is said and done, they will be forever known as the one person you couldn’t get to love you. Unfortunately, it will hurt and sting worse than the good ones, the ones that chopped up your meat for you and picked out an eyelash from your eye and were nice to your mother, because love often feels like a game we need to win. And when we lose, when we realize we couldn’t get what we ultimately desired from a person, it makes us feel like a failure and erases all the memories of those who loved us in the past. It’s a permanent smudge on your love resume.
My first bf appeared my dream and we basically were on a date. Not like reminiscent but like now (I was wearing clothes that I bought wayy later than when we were together).
My subconscious is so bizarre.
Johansson was so determined to avoid looking like a movie star pretending to be a zookeeper running on empty and fueled only by her devotion to her motley assortment of big cats, zebras, and kangaroos that she refused to wear makeup for the film. A big deal for a female movie star, but it works, helping to anchor her performance in the details of actual manual labor—shoveling shit, feeding slabs of red meat to the lion and tigers—that we don’t see much of in American movies. (x)
when people you care about are clearly hurt it makes me
1. want to hurt for them
2. destroy the thing/person that caused this hurt
but i can’t do either so i just sit, listen, and hug. when i can’t even do that my heart just aches for them. my heart breaks for them. all i can do is let them know i’ll be there for them, but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough but you wish it was and it’s just hard and frustrating.
had interesting talks about relationships of the past, present and the future with some friends. it made me think, and that’s always good. i realized how weird and hypocritical i am when it comes to relationships. still learning, still growing.
now time to study. weeeeeeeee physicssssssss.
spiritually super dry.
it’s a weird place to be when you have faith, but emotionally you feel so dry. feeling like you aren’t doing enough yet knowing that it is not my deed but rather who God calls me to be that determines my salvation.
But as Christian, I should walk my walk in trembling, constantly wondering if this is the right way - if I am indeed following the gospel of Christ, the gospel of grace, nothing more, nothing less. Trying to figure out what it is that I should be doing if my calling in this life isn’t merely to become a better person. Where should I be heading? What should be my goal? What does it mean to glorify God?
In the end, glory and honor be to the one who can take someone as fucked up as me and do His work so that I am called His own. Grace abounds and I am overwhelmed. Especially right after I fucked up hard. In the face of his great love, I can only realize how small and messed up I am. And to that place I go- a place where I realize how small I am, a place where I realize I am just dead dirt, who is nothing with out His breath of life.